Life got in the way of releasing a blog post sooner… or maybe I just wanted you to beg. :p I actually had to drop everything last month because my mother was in ICU. She’s better now–and thank you to everyone who extended warm thoughts through my smedia posts.
I am no longer posting in Twitshitland. My accounts are not deleted because I am hoping the platform will change hands and policies so that the kink world may return in good conscience.
Instead, I’m on Bluesky. It’s slow-going without the ability to bookmark, send images in DMs or schedule posts. But I’m trying to remember daily. Help me by following me and saying hi: https://bsky.app/profile/bjfraziernsfw.bsky.social
The Quest for 500
As of publication, we’re only 35 reviews away from 500 on Goodreads! I know many of you have read my books but haven’t left reviews. Now’s a great time to do it!
While great for many things, Goodreads absolutely fails in the notification column. I will get an email notifying me that someone I don’t know liked a review I wrote for someone else’s book, but it will not tell me when a new review for my books gets posted. So when you leave a review, let me know, and tell me which book. Bonus points for sending me the link!
Also, while you’re there, follow/friend me and “like” my other positive reviews. Remember, our goal is to reach 500 before the summer. We can do this together!
B.J.’s Online Book Club Recap
We had another great discussion this past weekend about “Perchance to Dream – Book One”. This series is a psychological delve into BDSM relationships. As such, the characters are… well, there’s a lot to talk about. And we did!
I love listening to readers dissect my characters. It’s especially funny when people are uncomfortable saying they don’t like a particular one… because you’re not supposed to like them (the “bad” ones; not all of them)! So it means I’m doing a good job. 😀
At Book Club, we nominate books for the next one, and “Perchance to Dream – Book Two” was nominated. It’s a natural choice; however, it’s a nine-book series. I don’t want pressure to have the next eight Book Clubs pre-chosen. So even though it’s an option, I’m advocating *not* choosing it.
I thought of this after Book Club, but maybe we could do them in sets of three? IF that’s what you choose. As always, I’ll leave it up to you…
We also completely forgot about the rather harsh treatment that Dr. Frankie gives to Sayo. So I’ll ask here–and open it to everyone–how did you feel when you read that? Was Frankie too harsh? Did Sayo go outside of her position? Gimme your thoughts!
It’s time to VOTE on the next Book Club book!
The next Online Book Club is Saturday, June 
21, 2025 at 4:00 p.m., Eastern.
DM me to be included:
bdsmlr ~ Not Safe for Work
Tumblr ~ Questionably Safe for Work
FetLife ~ Safe for Work
Right Here ~ Safe for Work
Leather Leadership Conference Review
I was invited to vend at the Leather Leadership Conference in LA. There are many positives; but the most valuable leadership lesson I learned was not at the conference at all. A week after, my friend servicepet wisely advised me *not* to tell you about the two negatives I had planned to explain.
He’s right, too, and not just because there are lots of positives to share. Here’s another life lesson: No matter what negatives are happening, you can always find good people to talk to, learn from and laugh with. Sizeerrorprojection (sep) and I got to know some pretty cool people that weekend!
We met Nia at the door of the Munch, Dominion, other vendors, bootblacks, helpers, and others. Plus, sep attended a couple of informative classes. [Sep hasn’t had a lot of time last month, so look for his class write-ups later.] And I was asked to read erotica at the talent event Saturday night.
As sep and I arrived at our booth, we were met with a welcome note from Dominion, which was a lovely touch. We quickly set up, and I was proud to display my brand new banner, thanks to toymax’s design! I was also presented with my impressive and beautiful new flogger, thanks to sep and S and M Leatherworks… but I realize it was after I took pictures of the booth and banner, so you’ll have to wait for June and the DomCon reviews to see it. It’s purple and black, gorgeous, and wickedly effective! Thank you, sep!
Then I walked around the vending area with my quiz sign, and everyone screenshot the QR code. It’s when I first met Pup Spanky, who was at the help desk. He made a color copy of my quiz and put it on the community board. He was also the first to report that he matched with “Eli”.
After hearing more about the book, he said he had to have it… then proceeded to read and provide feedback throughout the weekend. His interview is coming later.
Reminder: To everyone who purchased books at LLC, make sure you download your free digital copies before April 14! Emails were sent a few days after the event. If you didn’t receive yours, let me know.
Danny from Leather by Danny was a vendor, and he had another unfortunate shipping incident; only one of his boxes arrived. We ate at a wonderful Italian restaurant Friday night, which was a close second to sep’s find from last year–and across the street! Then it was back for the opening ceremony, after which was a live auction. Sep and I stayed awake for Danny’s demonstration of his auction item, which he and Nicole Simone sold beautifully well.
Saturday night was a talent show of sorts. Sep and I had a scrumptious dinner in Manhattan Beach and made it to the show in time for a couple of acts before I went on. One person was reading erotica while two actors took the stage and acted it out. But it wasn’t rehearsed. It was totally impromptu, and the actors hammed it up, making the audience laugh. It was hilarious!
I was leery about taking the stage after them, since the snippets I chose to read were dialogue-based and focused on power exchange ethics, but the crowd was accepting. I read a consent conversation between Pierre and Lady Crimson from “The Service Sub”. Then I teased them with a bit from “Eli – The Perversion”, where Clem directs Eli and Philip using an 18-inch double-sided dildo. I ended with an intense scene between Dr. Frankie and Sayo in the dungeon from “Perchance to Dream – Book Two”.
Madam Folly, who was a volunteer actor for one of the erotic scenes, came to the booth Sunday morning because she loved my writing and had to get some books. She appreciated Dr. Frankie… and I looked forward to seeing her at Book Club. But hopefully next time.
Interviews
Hellbent Hardware
When sep and I first chatted with Danny in the vending area, my focus kept going to this awesome purple chair-type thing. Because, well, you know how I feel about purple. *grin* But also, it took me through the majority of our conversation to realize that it’s not a *microphone* in the center!! I’m serious. <–I’m not proud, and I burst out laughing when I realized it, but I am serious.
Obviously, I had to learn more about this chair, so I interviewed the owners of Hellbent Hardware (same name on FetLife)… and came to learn that they were vendors at DomCon *and* they have read my books! Bonus!
Sherri knew when she was younger that she was “not like other girls”. She used to read a lot, including smutty romance novels. However, it wasn’t until after she got divorced, about 42, that she started to explore kink. She doesn’t remember how she stumbled upon it, but it led her to do other research in other areas, and went from there.
I mentioned that Jeneca Avery from “Mistress Managed” begins her delve into kink at 42 after a divorce, and Sherri nodded and smiled, and said that’s one of the books she read! Of course I pressed her for feedback, which was positive, and asked her to leave reviews on Goodreads.
Bran also knew he was different from a young age, and cites “Dudley Dooright” as his first memory. When Snidely tied Nell to the train tracks, Bran was intrigued.
Society being what it is, though, both Sherri and Bran fell into vanilla marriages before they met on FetLife and started dating. July will mark 10 years of being together; 9.5 of them married.
Once they both started down the kink path, they had a feeling that this is what was missing, and it’s something they would’ve liked to have explored when they were younger.
Their kinks align greatly; namely, rope and impact. Sherri also philosophized that their relationship is viewed as degenerate to other people, especially religious ones. However, she added, if you think about a D/s relationship, it’s pretty similar to a typical Christian marriage; just with toys. The biggest difference, they said, is that religious men expect servitude without respect; and their foundation is respect. In fact, it’s symbiotic, where they both give and take in different areas.
How’d they start making toys? Bran was in construction for 37 years and did woodworking as a kid. So when he started getting into kink, he thought, “I can build that.” He’s retired and does this as a side thing. Plus, they confessed, it gives them an excuse to go to the shows.
Bran built the furniture in their own dungeon, and the purple chair (that does NOT have a microphone) is their own. He builds to suit his customer’s preferences. And it’s convertible!
Sherri responded a film company on FetLife who needed a specific piece of furniture to air on a show involving a sex party. They said that’s exactly what we need, and Bran built a red and black piece “as seen on TV”.
Bran is proud of his new products; wooden knives with grips and diamond-shaped paddles.
He also told me that the chip clips they received from me are actually used for chip bags! In fact, that seemed to be the theme that weekend. Many people said they are always looking for chip clips!
To Sherri and Bran ~ It was great seeing you again and learning more about you. I wish you success at KinkFest and will hopefully see you there next year. In the meantime, don’t forget about those reviews *grin*
Juxta Toys
Azurell or Az was my neighbor vendor. I had a great time chatting with and learning from her all weekend.
Az freely admits that at age 11, she had an intense bondage fantasy in the garage. She has snapshots in her head about the fantasy but she doesn’t know where it originated. When she was older, she thought, “oh yeah, that’s a thing.”
Her first experience with kink was when she was 14. She says she stumbled into a relatively toxic relationship with someone well over her age, and Az learned a bit about basic impact and servitude. The toxicity was from servitude.
How did it end? Az says it “didn’t really end as much as things fizzled.” She added that she was still a child, and “people get annoyed with children after they get done using them.”
She found the kink community around 2009, when she moved to LA, where there are a lot of dungeons. She knew how to go to a public dungeon, Threshold, for the first time because of advertising. Plus, there was crossover with swingers.
Az is part of a family, and they were at the conference. Why did she join? Az puts it simply: “‘Cause we were already family.” They’ve known each other for two years, and she’s been in the family for a couple of months. There are five in the family, and they live separately.
Az first started making toys in 2011. The first one was a flogger made out of a leather jacket so she could practice braiding… her braiding is tight. She began vending that same year. I asked how bad the first one was compared to 14 years later. Az said, “Not. I’m that crazy person. I’m either good outta the gate or it wasn’t meant for me.”
She learned new tricks to improve. One of the things that sets her apart is ergonomics. Az puts a lot of thought into her creations to make it easier for people for different reasons; strength, arthritis or other abilities that might get in the way from having good and functional toys.
The newest thing that she’s proud of are the tops of the handles: the images underneath the cavachons. They are customizable–but Az does not do custom work. She got excited to show the image from the Hubble Telescope. I liked the one on the right 🙂
This conference was Az’s first time using the displays. Depicted here are “Thumpers”, which were created because someone said you can flip the longer implements and use the handle for impact, because her handles are weighted with lead shot. The thumpers–also filled with lead shot–are deceptively heavy.
I asked Az what she would say to someone going to his first conference who couldn’t be kinky in real life. She said it depends on why… so it’s finding your level and considering what your level could be. You have to determine how important kink is to your life.
“There is no way to hide, in my opinion, a portion of yourself that is that important without even intellectually cheating on your significant other. That’s my opinion. There’s no thing like doing it to save your marriage; it’s making yourself feel better.” Instead, Az advises to definitely have the conversation.
Az added to give your significant other the time they need, make time limits, gauge what they have the ability for. They might not be able to process things right away so you’ll need to talk about it later. And be honest. If someone says, “Have I upset you?” a good response might be, “Yes, but I’m not ready to talk about it.” Because if you say no, they’re off the hook.
Great advice!
To Az ~ It was great meeting you and getting to know you. I wish you success in Dallas… and I look forward to feedback about “The Dominion and the Sugilite”! 🙂
Pup Spanky
Pup Spanky is an adorably affectionate and service-oriented pleaser. I wanted to interview him because I looked across the vending room and saw him intently reading “Eli”… just like this! When I asked to interview him and take his picture, he readily agreed to by nodding and wiggling his body all over, like a happy pup.
Isn’t that awesome?
Spanky officially began his kink journey in his late 20s with little things, like being more like a boy only in the bedroom. Then he leaned more toward service and wanting to please during scenes… except back then, he didn’t know they were called scenes.
Impact play came next when an ex introduced Pup Spanky to spanking. One time when they were having sex, the ex spanked him, and Spanky told me, “it felt like a lightbulb went off”. He thought, okay, I like this. Then the ex would get a little rougher, like pull hair, and Spanky enjoyed that.
Heavier impact play came in his mid- to late 30s with nipple clamps and fisting–but Spanky only does the latter as a top. Yes, Pup Spanky is a switch, and has a few puppies he takes care of. As a switch, he’s more in tune with what works, but it goes deeper than that.
As a sub, Spanky was conditioned that you have to take it. If he didn’t particularly like something, too bad; it got his top off. Back then, Spanky received pleasure in getting off his top. Now he realizes that there are two people involved (or more), and they all have a say.
In the last couple of years, Spanky learned how to read body language, especially since he’s a non-verbal sub. If his nipples were being pinched too hard, he’d touch his top. As a dom, Spanky performs constant check-ins.
Pup Spanky has always known he was gay. When he was younger, he knew there was something different but couldn’t explain it. He wanted to be friends with girls but wondered how it would feel to kiss a boy.
In sixth grade someone called him “gay”, and he looked it up. One of the definitions said, “you’re a boy who likes boys”, and Spanky agreed. He was openly gay in junior high, and was pushed in the locker rooms and made fun of. It didn’t help that his father was the most macho of four brothers and used to beat up kids in high school… nor the fact that his father called him a fag.
[I’m very eager to hear from Pup Spanky after he reads how Eli’s parents react to his “transformation”.]
Through the hatred, teasing and shaming, Spanky learned a version of self-acceptance. One day his dad derogatorily asked him whether he liked boys or girls more, and Spanky asserted himself. He looked his father dead in the face and said, boys. His father went quiet and never spoke about it again.
Spanky’s father became more comfortable with his relationships–relationships that were the same as any other, except for what’s between the legs. Today, Spanky doesn’t have a relationship with his biological family but not because of that. Instead, Spanky proudly states that he has chosen his family, and he is happy.
Even though he is in a family, Spanky searches for a relationship but is quick to state that a perfect relationship doesn’t exist for him. He self-admits to having a superhero complex. While he wants balance in a relationship, he’s always willing to compromise. And monogamy is not for him. Kink, yes, but it doesn’t have to be 24/7–it’s actually too much work a lot of the time, Spanky says.
The other key ingredient for a Spanky-happy relationship is communication. Here, he was animated and said, “Fuckin’ tell me! I’m a big boy.” He also realizes that a person may not be able to communicate in the moment, and that’s okay if the process and communication take place later. He would also keep his family in any relationship.
Fun facts about Spanky.
Favorite color? Pink and black; together and separate.
Favorite position? Top/bottom both missionary. The bottom is more intimate because it’s how how he cums. Top is the same thing but rougher and more intimate. For him, it’s “allowing my sub to not feel like a fuck toy; that he’s a person, until I’m done.”
Top 3 snacks: Plain or cranberry bagels, raw but not warmed up; lunch meat and cheese but rolled together; tortillas warmed up but empty.
Top sweets: Cake is a guilty pleasure–carrot cake with raisins. Second is chocolate with chocolate frosting, both warm and cold.
Favorite game app? “I’m not a gamer at all. I don’t get the point. I’ll get bored and toss it.”
Binge watching: Right now it’s America’s Next Top Model again. Last show he watched entirely was “Three Women” on Starz.
To Pup Spanky ~ Thank you for being you, and for being a people person at the conference! You give great hugs, have amazing wiggles, know how to promote a book, and have an effervescent personality. Thanks for the one update about “Eli”… and you know I’m waiting for more!
Final Thoughts
There is an implied consent surrounding kink conventions and vending: That the organization will support its vendors. While that covenant was broken, I didn’t let it ruin my weekend. I focused instead on the people around me and learned vicariously through sep’s classes. Plus, it was my dad’s birthday (he lives in LA). So the positives outweigh the negatives!
Preview of things to come: DomCon LA reviews in June and July!
Here’s what you said after the last blog post.
sizeerrorprojection ~ When I read the answers about CNC, I couldn’t help but think about the need for a conversation about conflict resolution protocols prior to engaging in this type of play so that, if something does go awry, there is a framework for discussion that has been agreed upon. [You are absolutely correct, sep, and thanks for mentioning it. I think Thomas and I answered the question with the assumption that people had already thought about it and played before. But yes, any time you play differently or have a potentially difficult scene (even if you don’t think so), you should always have safewords in place and ways of altering and/or exiting the scene if it’s not working]
Multiperv ~ Congratulations on its success and Happy D/s Anniversary! [Many thanks!]
Perhaps some day you can vend a German kink conference and Toymax can be your booth boy, translator, tour guide, and more. [There are kink conferences in Germany, and I’d love to go… I just need a few more sales first ;)]
I’m looking forward to hearing how LLC compares and perhaps differs from the other events you’ve attended so far. I hope they still made you feel quite welcome and accepted even though the dynamic differences are probably quite different, at least compared to Domcon. [I’m looking forward to your response to my LLC experience, MP]
Morgan Greystroke ~ Thank you for the shoutout regarding the audiobooks, Miss. You’re honest, caring and firm when required. Thank you for enduring “Again… again… again”. I was concerned about time and only entertained that method to keep us moving. [*laughing* Thank you for reminding me, Morgan! Full disclosure, it was in the wee hours of the morning when I wrote the last blog post, and I forgot about that part. When Thomas and I recorded, we frequently digressed into laughing fits–and consequently will be releasing a blooper reel for “Mistress Managed”. Morgan, however, kept us far more professional, which is why we were much more productive. HOWEVER, there were a few spots where I would read a line, and Morgan would say, “Again.” The first time, I knew why. But by the time we got to number four, I was ready to smack him if he said it again… he didn’t. And I have full faith in Morgan that it will sound better because of his insistence. Again, many thanks, Morgan!]
toymax ~ When I saw that Episode 21 was released, I couldn’t wait to read it. I wasn’t disappointed (except for one small thing *wink) and immediately wrote my Goodreads review. So, there are now only 39 reviews left until the 500th. [It makes me so happy to read this, Max! 😀 And we’re down to 35 now!]
Thank You for letting me participate in the premiere of the new banner as Your virtual booth boy. I’m so happy about it and, above all, that I was able to be of use to You, Mistress B.J. Thanks also to Thomas – I feel honored. [It was a show-stopper at the conference, and I can’t wait to display it at DomCon! Vielen dank!]
Nokilliwham ~
*After he read the last blog post, NK sent me this pic:*Send me your comments, and I’ll put them in the next blog post!
BDSM Checklists
Check out my FREE BDSM Checklists.
I 
created two BDSM Checklists to assist with communication and negotiation. One is grouped by fetishes and the other is an alphabetical listing, and both have spaces for you to fill in additional ones.
Make sure you check out the Checklists! Then, let me know what you think and how you used them.
Do you have a kinky question you’d like answered? Use the contact form to submit your question. All questions will be kept anonymous unless you’d prefer to be named.
For other kinky advice, check my blog archives.
Happy reading,
~B.J.
