To Me!
Don’t panic if you forgot, because it’s next week, so you have plenty of time to get me something. *grin* I’ve even pre-shopped for you… per your own requests that I create a wish list. Win-win!
You can buy me a drink, too, using the form on my BDSM Checklist page.
Always appreciated along with gifts and drinks is when you buy a book… or 10. I’ve got 50, y’know.
And the gift that keeps on giving is to write a review on Amazon or Goodreads.
You see how I give you endless opportunities to be the good subbies I know you are? :p
Newsletter subscribers got a special something to sweeten the deal with their gift-giving pleasures. Don’t miss out on the next special something–sign up for my newsletter today at the bottom of this page!
Femdom Fish?
I was talking with Jessie a couple of weeks ago when I got back from vacation, and I sent him pictures of a neon grasshopper, javelinas, ravens, and strange bugs I had seen. He then asked me whether I knew of female fish that ate their mates?
Of course I had to look that up! It’s somewhat true. There are several varieties of Anglerfish but the first one to show up in my search live very close to the bottom of the ocean. They look almost prehistoric with an insane amount of terrifying teeth and an interesting little light. Their fin ray actually illuminates, which lures other fish right into those incisors.
The particular kind I found also had its spine on the outside, floating with hypnotic tendrils. There’s nothing calm about them, however, as the fish use them on their prey.
Because they live so deep, research has been minimal. What scientists knew was that the males were much smaller than the females, since nearly all of their specimens were female… with parasites. Well, those “parasites” were actually the males, and a lot smaller than normal, which happened during mating.
These fish have a vastly different view on romance. During the reproduction cycle, the men actually bite and then latch onto the women… for life. Their bodies shrink, and they gain sustenance from the female. Talk about clingy!
It’s actually out of necessity because the species are born with underdeveloped gonads. In fact, males will die if they don’t find a female. More than that, though, Anglerfish are polyandrous, since one female can have many parasitic men.
Ain’t that just symbolic of real life in more ways than just femdom? *grin*
Have I whet your appetite for more learning? Good, because I happen to have the Wiki page.
But I’m not stopping there, friends. No, I give you fish porn. Because Kirsten and Joachim Jakobsen of the Rebikoff-Niggeler Foundation captured the first ever live Anglerfish mating on film.
It’s just over two minutes and well worth the dive into an unknown world. Plus, it’s from Nat Geo Wild, so it’s Safe For Work. You’re welcome.
Enjoy the video… and don’t say I never gave ya anything! :p
Thanks to everyone who voted! Remember, your vote counts. And this time, it was close.
You voted “The Service Sub” to be the next book we discuss. You have two weeks to read it and join the group and/or submit questions of me or the characters ahead of time.
The next Book Club will be Sunday, July 30, 2023 at 4p EST. DM me to join and/or send questions:
bdsmlr ~ Not Safe For for Work
Twitter ~ Safe for Work
TwitterNSFW ~ Not Safe for Work
FetLife ~ Safe for Work
Right Here ~ Safe for Work
Thank you for the outpouring of love and concern after I told you about my neck issues. Your comments were like cyber hugs, and I loved them all. I am happy to report that I have seen some improvement *and* my PT concurs! But why does the path to recovery have to take so damn long? Not good for the impatient.
Speaking of impatient, I present… YOU. Here’s what you had to say after the last blog post.
rubbug ~ You started off the DomCon reviews with “healing” as a tag, and it’s cool in each of your reviews that has always come up in the interviews and classes. I wouldn’t have thought engaging in kink play would be a route for healing, but it’s very obvious that is something that’s possible. [It’s pretty cool, huh?]
Francesca has once again grabbed my attention and it’s funny how you made the woodland creature comment. From what I’ve heard of her, and the way she speaks, I’d imagine it would be very hard not to be enraptured by someone with an aura like that, mixed with their genuine intelligence. [!]
It’s funny because, since we began speaking, you’ve constantly been advocating for me to not be overly concerned with labels and, on top of that, have been accepting and open with my views… and, in the process, have allowed me to shed some of the shame I’ve initially felt just being on [bdsmlr] and exploring my kinks. Through your books and our conversations, you’ve kind of acted as a healer, so you’ve been carrying that “healing” torch long before you wrote about this previous blog, so thank you. Thank you for being such a wonderfully awesome person and finding other kinky, beautiful people, too, with similar positive energies. [I have tears in my eyes, RB. You’re welcome!]
sizeerrorprojection ~ Jesus, B.J.!!! So glad you found a good PT. [Me, too!]
Multiperv ~ I was glad you mentioned sitting on submissives don’t only happen for photo opportunities. I think it helps subs maintain hope, and probably inspires some more fantasies, maybe even among those who never thought about it before. [I’m glad I remembered to include it last time!]
The part about servicepet trying to get Claire to buy a latex outfit truly made me chuckle, and I just wish he’d succeeded. Now I’m imagining her walking him around the vendor area on a leash haha. [Just as long as you don’t hold your breath]
It’s funny you included the bit about the semi-covertly gawking hotel staff, someone was talking about the same thing at the Footcentric social last night, for a different kink event. Well, I guess if they have to put up with the freaks staying at their hotel they should at least get to enjoy the show, right? I wonder how much it leads to some later exploration and experimentation in some of their own lives. Hopefully somewhat often. [One can only hope]
I really enjoyed your mental image of Princess Francesca walking in, especially with the woodland creatures around her. Of course in my version she’s also elegantly barefoot, like Galadriel from The Lord of the Rings. [She WAS barefoot in the class I attended]
That was a great question about her perhaps feeling the sub’s feelings too much during a scene. I wonder if her range of scenes or partners might be limited by the fact she seems rather ethereal and on a higher or at least different plane, and then your example of different approaches to a toilet scene answered that very question. Perhaps you’re as mentally attuned as she is, at least with your audience. [One of the cool things about her is her approachability]
You mentioned that each Domcon has a different vibe? Can you tell me or us all briefly how you would characterize each? [The GWNN Bash was a reality check that kinky people are people. DomCon NOLA had a sense of community. And DomCon L.A. was about healing]
Thanks for another great review and wrap-up. I hope some people will indeed go to their first convention due to your description and/or due to a desire to meet you. You might want to add a reminder that if they set up a Fetlife profile and then go to Events, it will tell them about happenings in their area. Plus, there are Groups they can join for other big kink events to learn about online classes and workshops. [Thanks, MP, you just did! *grin*]
submissiveforDomme ~ As usual, I love your newsletters. I absolutely loved the interviews section especially with Priestess Francesca. (Like I said I liked them both and I appreciated that Master Joshua didn’t really explore his own body until his 40s.). Something about Priestess Francesca made me want to go to her site and see what she’s all about and what she offers. It sounds like something that would be good for me to go through with. To be honest, they both seemed like they would be good for me. [You’re welcome, s4D. I’m glad I was able to share something new with you]
sizeerrorprojection ~ I read your 4th blog installment for Domcon. I have to say I was excited to read what actually transpired between servicepet and Claire. Multiperv seemed so shocked at Claire attending a class previously that I wondered what possibly could’ve happened. Intrigued by latex? Sounds like a gateway drug! LOL. [*giggling*]
I hope my permission to attend NOLA (and hopefully be accompanied) stands come time to firm up plans. As it stands right now, I’m going if you’re going. And, I apologize to everyone, and myself, for taking the pseudonym, Sparky. That time is over. [No need to apologize. There’s no judgment here, and we accept you however you’d like to present yourself, SEP]
After reading this new installment on Princess Francesca, I am definitely going to watch “How to ruin your own reputation” and check out her website. I am intrigued. [I look forward to your thoughts]
toymax ~ You definitely know how to tease and deny Your fans with the new trilogy. Now I’m excited, too. When can we hope for relief? [haha, well, Jessie and I are working on the conclusion of the “Eli” series, and then I will start chapter summaries before writing. I hope to have something in August, though August is a busy travel month for me.]
Your last DomCon review was again full of great impressions. Even small mentions like subs providing a seat to their dommes during the Red Carpet Social show; what a wonderful and seductive world this must be. The “Cute Quip” confirms it, too. 🙂 The “Tale of the Blue Latex Vest” made me smile. Just wait and see, if Claire accompanies you to one or two more conventions, she’ll be intrigued to buy herself a hot outfit. [If she does, I will definitely share it!]
The interview with Priestess captivated me. I read it more than once. This empathy and the ability to feel the deepest needs and limits of Her customers before they even know about it is impressive. She is a Goddess! [I am in her summer cohort right now, which is different than her sessions. She’s very diverse in her healing capabilities.]
I can only repeat myself: Thank You so much for telling us Your experiences about this seductive world. I appreciate it a lot. [I’m glad you enjoyed… when are you going to experience one for yourself?]
I look forward to your thoughts on this blog post. Also, tell me who’s thinking of going to his first ever kink convention? On the flipside, tell me if you’ve gone to some in the past–which ones, how were you treated, what’d you think, and what advice do you have for first-timers?
Book Talk
“Her Wish. His Command.” has a new cover!
Many thanks to rubbug who found the exact photograph I had been searching for when I created the cover for “Her Wish. His Command.” Frustrated and impatient with the search, I opted to go for the silhouette version.
While I like the fairytale feel of my original cover, the new cover is elegantly elevated. Don’t you agree?
If you purchased the book on my site, you may download the new version for free. If you haven’t read it yet… what the hell are you waiting for?! :p
It’s a story about the birth of a loving femdom relationship. Rachel and Grant communicate their desires and fears and, from that, customize their FLR to suit them.
A Song for Eli?
Another shoutout to rubbug for linking me to a song that reminds him of the title character from the “Eli” series.
The song is “Crocodile Tears” by Suzanna Son. There are a lot of parallels between the song and what Eli faces when he first goes away to college… and beyond.
Enjoy.
For those of you who are reading the series, tell me how you think it meshes with the story. If you haven’t started it yet… what the hell are you waiting for?! :p
The “Eli” series is about sexual exploration, romance, perversion, laughter, sadness, friendship, and betrayal. Start the series today… Jessie Spectre and I are working on the fifth and final book!
BDSM Checklists
Check out my FREE BDSM Checklists.
I created two BDSM Checklists to assist with communication and negotiation. One is grouped by fetishes and the other is an alphabetical listing, and both have spaces for you to fill in additional ones.
Make sure you check out the Checklists! Then, let me know what you think and how you used them.
Question: How do you even get a kink conversation started? I know I know, with your checklist. Which I have not yet shared. But how do you even get 
to it?
B.J.’s Answer: I’m actually going to write a non-fiction book about this very topic. Not a lot of help at the moment, I know.
I think the first step to kink in a relationship is communication. Not just about kink but a good, solid base where the two of you are free and safe to share your feelings. Then, you can begin to explore each other’s fantasies.
A word of advice on the kink talk if your relationship has always been more vanilla: Go slowly. Opening with, “I want to be pegged” or “Will you be my keyholder?” is too much too soon.
I generally tell people the best way to start a conversation is by leaving “the real world” behind–meaning, no smedia or cell phones. I suggest going on a romantic weekend getaway. It doesn’t have to be expensive (a local hotel could work), but it has to be away from your home where there are too many everyday distractions. The goal is to focus on the two of you.
I also have ideas on how you can bring up kink talk with your partner but it’s dependent upon the individuals.
That’s the most specific advice I can give that applies to everyone. Beyond that, every relationship is different. So what works for one couple could be disaster for another. Or, as Sean always says, “Your mileage may vary.”
I have coached several people how to communicate with their significant others. It’s not magic, though. Some people just aren’t dominant… but they may have a kinky layer you haven’t discovered.
If you’re interested in discussing it more, DM me.
Sean’s Answer: Communication is definitely important. Both of you need to feel safe to ask for what you want. I agree with B.J. that it’s actually the most important thing. I would suggest starting with small things and working your way up to bigger steps. There should be give and take. What does your partner want? Does he or she feel comfortable asking for it?
Be prepared to hear something surprising–after all, you’re probably going to surprise your partner with what you want. There should be no kink shaming.
Adding to what B.J. said about the romantic weekend getaway, agree to check messages only once a day. Instead, spend the time talking about things that matter in your relationship. One of the things you can do is write letters to each other outlining what you need in the relationship, and then talk about them.
But start small. “Honey, I want to build a dungeon in the basement,” is probably not a great opener.
Do you have a kinky question you’d like answered? Use the contact form to submit your question. All questions will be kept anonymous unless you’d prefer to be named.
Thanks for the great questions and comments!
For other kinky advice, check my blog archives.
Happy reading,
~B.J.
