Thank You
This is the week in the U.S. that we give thanks. I am grateful for you. Every reader. Every subscriber. Every person I’ve met at kink conventions. And the people I’ve met in smedia.
There are a lot of various articles questioning, “can you really be friends with someone you’ve only met online?” And the articles invariably lean toward the negative.
I say the opposite. I chat with many of you in smedia, and you tell me about your lives, your kinks and your secrets. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to a stranger about the most intimate of things.
Even though we’ve never met (or some I have), I call you friend. I talk about you with my “real-life friends” because you are a part of my life. And I cherish our communication.
So thank you for reaching out, for reading my books, for trusting me… and for being my friend.
I hope everyone has a wonderful Turkey Day, even if you’re not celebrating.
Ebook Questions
What Format Should I Choose?
In June I told you about Amazon’s switch from mobi to epub electronic book format for its Kindle. If
you missed the post, you can find it here.
I’m often asked, what’s the difference between the .pdf and epub formats? The general rule is .pdf can be easily viewed on any device, provided you have Adobe. And epub is compatible with your online readers, like Kindle and Nook.
It’s really what you prefer… but traditionally, people prefer to read ebooks in the epub format.
Why Purchase Books from Your Site?
My books can be found in the majority of online bookstores. And I am grateful for every purchase because I know there are a ton of books available.
That said, my preference is for you to buy on my site, because more of your dollars go to the artist(s).
Simply put, there’s no middleman here, aside from Stripe, which confidentially processes your payment information.
Why are Reviews so Important?
Because there are a ton of books to choose from, a review can sway potential readers.
I am proud of every one of my reviews, because they are all organic. If you’ve read and reviewed my books, thank you. I love them, collect them… and they help with future sales.
If you’ve read one of my books but haven’t reviewed it, please take the time to do so. The biggest review sites are Goodreads and Amazon. You can copy and paste your review in each forum, even if you didn’t purchase on Amazon.
There’s also a way to post a review anonymously on Amazon. At the top of the “Write a Review” screen, you can edit your name.
Speaking of Reviews…
I am so ecstatically proud to share with you that just yesterday I received my 200th review on Goodreads by none other than toymax for “Perchance to Dream – Book Five”.
That was followed closely by my 201st review by rubbug for “A Domme for Christmas”.
Thank you!
Wish List
Thank you to everyone who has sent alcohol my way. By way of drinks, that is, at the bottom of the website.
Many of you have told me that you’d like to get me something other than a drink and have requested a wish list. I have been hesitant and said instead that I prefer you to read more books and review them. That’s all I set out to do initially.
But it was recently pointed out that because I’m accessible on multiple smedia platforms and engage with people, regardless of their book purchases, that, to him, I’m more than “just” an author.
Through writing books and blog posts and communicating with many people, I have inadvertently created a community where people feel good about their kink. They feel accepted and not judged.
It’s because of that, he said, that people want to express their gratitude, especially around the holidays.
So I put together a list. I don’t expect anything, and there’s certainly no pressure. I genuinely enjoy talking with you, getting to know you, and helping where I can. That won’t stop.
I think of myself as an author first, and my books would be at the top of that list, if they were wish-able.
So talk to me, read a book, view my list. Or not. Just know that you’re important to me. <– those are words on a screen, but there’s a real person typing them.
As we enter the holiday season, I am thankful for each of you. Happy holidays!
Domcon Review Part 4
It’s pretty cool to attend a kink convention and keep it alive afterwards with these reviews. And I especially love the added communication with everyone.
If you’ve missed the series, here are your links:
First review.
Second review.
Third review.
This one will be the longest one yet. So go make some food and then get comfy. It’s a great read!
Comments
You had a lot to say after the last review…
I’ll start with a question. Lets-see-now asked what my role was when I interviewed the professional dommes (fan, admirer, author), and whether I’d like to be one of them.
When I sit down to interview someone, I view my role as an interviewer. I try to discover something unique about their lives that hopefully no other interviewer has… and also, I’m focused on providing my readers with something interesting.
I had time to do some research on Mistresses Cyan and Mia beforehand, whereas Goddess Phoenix was spur of the moment. Even though I had prepared some questions ahead of time, through my conversations, I became a fan.
Would I like to be a professional domme? There are aspects of it that appeal to me, yes.
rubbug ~ I just finished reading your latest blog and I must say Goddess Phoenix is an absolute marvel. I can see why she has all these accolades, and I felt emotional while reading about how she genuinely cares and helps her subs, and the healing she provides.
Oh, and her connection to Wonder Woman got the comic book nerd inside me very happy. I love Wonder Woman, and even as a child, I could see how she was the realization of a woman fully in control without the misogynistic societal chains placed on her. It’s nice to see that a Domme was inspired or at least awakened by the Wonder Woman. [It’s another connection she and I share. In elementary school, I played Wonder Woman to a group of boys on the playground. If I was playing with a girlfriend instead, they’d beg me to come up with a story for them.]
cb-6000-lover ~ After reading your 3 NOLA reviews, I really regret that I could not be there. You not only write compelling erotica, you are a good reporter. Ms Santa Claus is someone I’d love to meet!!
toymax ~ Thank You for part 3. It’s amazing how much You experienced at the Domcon. I especially liked the interviews. When else do I have the opportunity to learn something about the life and the personality of a person like Goddess Phoenix or Mistress Cyan. I liked to read about their history, without liking their histories itself. What fascinates me are the classes. I couldn’t imagine how such a class would work. What impressed me is, that there is a lot of talk about safety aspects. I look forward to reading about Mistress Mia, and of course about the party play-peek in Your next blog posting.
LeftField ~ Read [part 3] as soon as I got the email notification, Miss. I enjoyed the write up of the Rope 101 class but there was something that bothered me on first reading. It was the part about it not being a problem if the skin turned cold or red. I haven’t rigged before so this is just based on my Boy Scout emergency first aid training. Red I can live with but if the skin turns cold, it means the limb (or whatever) has lost a lot of oxygen and can quickly get to the point of no return. I know you talked about never leaving someone unattended but it worries me that one could wait a little too long to release the bondage or cut the rope. [Good catch. The discussion was not about how great it is for the skin to be red or cold; just, by comparison, gray is when it becomes an emergency. Communication is essential whenever you’re engaged in a heavy BDSM scene, especially with first-time play partners. Also, skin can turn red from desire or nerves, so asking, “how are you doing” as a check-in should be incorporated. It’s sexy to *not* harm your partner. Plus, I’m confident Pirate Krissie’s more advanced classes delved into the nuances of the scene in addition to expert rigging. Thank you for bringing this up.]
Multiperv ~ I really liked rubbug writing about how your blog makes him feel less weird. Somehow I thought once people got on bdsmlr and saw all the tons of blogs on so many things, they would realize there are other kindred, weirdo spirits out there. But I’m really glad you’ve helped them to feel less weird, and less alone. Maybe this will get some to venture out to some real-life events. [I hope so]
I’m glad that you went over some of the no-nos of rope. I think depending on how you left them tied, going to get a drink might be okay, but I certainly get and agree with your basic point. And there are ways to make the sub THINK you left them alone, which might work well with some scenes, but that should only be with the right people, like ones who want that illusion, and/or right circumstances. [Agreed. Great idea to pretend like you’ve left the room!]
That story about it never being talked about before but Mistress Cyan’s dad giving her earrings and a necklace was incredible and moving.
Thank you for including the stories about the flogger and how it had no power on its own, and the one about Goddess Phoenix’s sub who had PTSD. I think both stories may potentially help many people.
submissiveforDomme ~ Every time I read about your experiences at a convention, it makes me wish I was able to be there. The interviews with Mistress Cyan and Goddess Phoenix were great. I’m not one who finds blonde women attractive just because they are blonde, but sometimes in spite of that fact, but your description of your interactions with and very brief life of makes me want to seek her out and figure out how to be taught by her and schedule sessions with her. I am going to have to look into her and what she offers. I just wish there was someone closer to me that could help me get started. You make every convention you attend sound so wonderful that I’m super jealous that I can’t attend them all.
Oh and I sooooooooooo want to be involved in rope play. It is so beautiful and developed slowly. I can practically feel the hug of the ropes. And would love to be able to give that feeling to someone and have it look as beautiful as some of the designs and knots I’ve seen would be fantastic.
“Dynamics of a BDSM Scene”
Mistress Cyan taught this class with the help of a female sub. She first provided an overview of what a BDSM scene is, including the mentality of the dominant and submissive. With over 30 years of experience, she also detailed things to look out for and what not to do. And then she demonstrated.
A common term is “negotiation” but Mistress Cyan prefers to call it “communication”, because it’s not all about what the dominant wants; the sub gets to have input, too. It’s a time to discuss hard limits, things the sub would like to explore, what boundaries can be pushed, medical problems, and sometimes psychological issues.
Before a scene starts, the dominant should have planned the session so there’s no “breaking the scene” by hunting for implements, getting water, etc. Mistress Cyan also includes mood music with her scenes.
Mistress Cyan likes to begin her sessions with a warm-up. Her subs and/or slaves are trained in the procedure. The first position is the sub in child’s pose, which is a bow on his knees. This step is a transition phase to divest the sub from outside forces and to be focused on Mistress Cyan.
In the second position, the sub is on his knees with his arms behind his back. When Mistress Cyan is ready to move forward, she will call “Present”. The sub knows to hold his wrists out to be cuffed. She will usually walk the sub to the St. Andrew’s Cross next.
Through these protocols, the sub has already entered the head space of the scene and the action can comfortably progress.
Mistress Cyan warns, though, that there should be a warm-up to the action, too. You don’t want to go from the calm transition to a huge smack. It’s too much of a shock, and you’re likely to have the sub calling red immediately.
Instead, Mistress Cyan begins with soft strikes and then builds up. She says it’s a way of alerting the body that more is coming. Her goal at this point is to focus. She wants to remove any fear the sub may have and to leave real life outside.
Mistress Cyan is a tall, thin woman who could easily be mistaken for someone without a lot of strength. But one glimpse of her index finger, capped with a long, red nail, pointing down the handle of a flogger, and you begin to think that perhaps she has more strength than you gave her credit for.
Then she strikes.
And strikes.
The impact isn’t overly harsh yet the sound it makes, and flinch of the sub’s body, tell you it’s not a kiss, either. And the mesmerizing begins. Mistress Cyan demonstrated the scene using her fingernails, hands, flogger, dual floggers, paddle, whip, cane, and rabbit fur.
Before a new implement was used, she touched it to the sub’s back, cheek or under her throat. It was a way to prepare the sub. And it was confirmation that shock value isn’t necessary in every BDSM scene.
There was never a doubt as to who was in control. And as Mistress Cyan moved through the implements, an electric charge moved through the room. You could feel her power.
She ended the same way she began, with a de-escalation of the intensity. The impacts were softer. And she finished with the flogger. It was a good way to bring the sub back to reality.
Once the scene ended, Mistress Cyan untied the sub, who knelt. Mistress Cyan knelt as well and placed the sub’s head against her shoulder and stroked the sub’s back and hair.
When she was sure the sub was okay, she continued the class, and talked about aftercare. Subs can get woozy or may not be able to talk after a scene. Some may go into sub space and have a difficult time returning to the present. There’s a thing called “sub drop” where, maybe the next day, the sub may feel depression.
In most situations, it’s best to have water and/or juice along with some protein for the sub. The body and mind have experienced a lot and need to be replenished. Because the scene doesn’t end when the domme stops striking: It’s the domme’s responsibility to look after the sub.
Also present as an assistant was Mistress Cyan’s longstanding sub of over 25 years. She summed up the class by stating, “Mistress Cyan is the best mistress ever.”
Interview with Mistress Mia
Mistress Mia is the cheapest dominatrix out there. Her words. And she’s not talking about her rates.
She’s talking about the value of money, scrimping, saving, and planning. That’s why she drove 27 hours round-trip to Domcon. And it’s also why, today, she teaches others in the industry about getting a 401(k), a Roth IRA, and to make end-of-life plans.
How did she get here? She was a chubby, oversized kid, who was an odd duck, and no one wanted to hang out with her. Mistress Mia found enjoyment by pushing kids around on the playground and tying them up, which were the early indicators of her dominance. But she takes issue with the word “bully”.
She only tied up those kids who wanted her to do it. At recess, there was a custodian of toys. You wanted to play with something, you went and got it. And the kids willingly got jump ropes and stood in line for Mistress Mia to tie them up.
By nine, she was the same height as her mother, and was relegated to the back row for class pictures. In third or fourth grade, there was a much tinier girl, who constantly picked on Mistress Mia. The photographer was arranging the kids, and this girl was a riser in front of Mistress Mia when she said, “Well, you know you’re gonna go to the back, y’freak.”
Mistress Mia kicked the girl off the riser. “And it felt good.” She knew she’d get in trouble, and she didn’t care. As for the girl? After that, she absolutely kept her teasing to herself.
By the time Mistress Mia was a pre-teen, she was six-feet tall. And as a late teenager, she stood six-three.
Her first introduction to kink was at a club, where she witnessed a white woman getting raped by two black men. I said kink. And that’s not what actually happened. The woman wanted it but Mistress Mia didn’t know that. She fretted for days about whether she should go to the police, because she’d read books and heard stories about snatching women, drugging them, raping them, and selling them.
Mistress Mia returned to the club to see if the woman would be there. She was. The woman was with one of the men, and Mistress Mia realized they had “matching silverwear on their fingers.” They were married!
It’s in that same club that she met her sir or top or dom. Yes, Mistress Mia started her kink lifestyle as a slave; and did so for nearly two years. He kept a house where everybody learned from each other. If you learned something new, then you came back and taught everyone else. Mistress Mia describes it as “Lord of the Flies but in a good way.”
After a year, her sir realized she was dominant and set her up with her first professional job. It was with a friend of his who wanted to be trampled by a very tall, black woman.
When asked to describe how she felt right before her very first encounter, Mistress Mia said, “I’m not gonna lie. It was one of the most mind-numbing, nervous moments of my entire life.” She’d never met the guy, so she didn’t know what size he was. And she was scared she’d crush him, or put her foot through him. For a second, she had a pit in her stomach and thought about not getting on the roller coaster.
But her sir said the guy was ready, and she dominated him under the guise of submitting to her sir.
After she didn’t kill the guy, he paid and tipped her. Did she feel weird? Kind of. But the weird quickly dissipated into “that’s a lotta fuckin’ money.”
Mistress Mia grew up in Mississippi, where she was making $4.13 an hour working at Sonic, and she thought she was doing well for herself. She graduated from college with a boatload of debt, due to being in between the guidelines for grants. While her childhood was stable and supportive, her main goal in life was to never go back to Mississippi again.
In less than a year after her first dominant session, Mistress Mia became a professional dominatrix. She disclosed to me a rather delicate client situation, of which I will only share the basics–but she never, and would never, reveal the client’s identity. A religious person had her sign an NDA (non-disclosure agreement) and placed her under contract for a year.
The acts he wanted her to perform were beyond the normal fare. Still, Mistress Mia did it to pay for her education. She dealt with the client for over a year, and she even signed another contract.
But she realized she was selling herself short. Plus, the longer she dealt with that client, the more enraged she grew with herself. She felt like a horrible person to be doing things just for the money, just to survive.
Before college, she had just wanted a college education and to be able to pay it off. So she broke the contract and learned how to live with herself. And she cultivated her business by her own standards.
Mistress Mia spoke at length about sex workers, and about how society has relaxed its perception of sex… yet not really extending to sex workers. She views it as “the last taboo.” As such, she gets to be someone’s fantasy, go home with more money than she started with, and, much more importantly, she can sleep at night.
I asked her what was the weirdest or yuckiest request from a sub that she agreed to do AND that she enjoyed more than she thought she would. Her answer? Sploshing.
That was a new one for me. It’s body food play; sitting on food items, hitting people with food items. She said, one client was very specific; he wanted to be hit with white pillowcases stuffed with food until it spilled through the ends.
At the time, she wanted to buy something so she took the session. But then she thought, Mmm, slapping somebody while being covered in dishwashing liquid? She had so much fun! Years later, she did a sploshing scene at a Domcon main stage in the vendors’ gallery. Slaves had to find the babies after king cakes were destroyed by sitting on them.
What does Mistress Mia think of brats?
“I am going to sound like a good and horrible person in the same breath… I love brats when they’re with someone else. But not me.”
To watch a sub be bratty with someone else is pure gold and hilarious. But if someone were to act the same way with her? “I’ll shoot you in the foot right now if I thought it’d make you quiet and I’d not go to jail for it.”
I told you in the first review post that Mistress Mia, as the impromptu Mistress of Ceremonies at Domcon, was funny, gregarious and articulate (her grandmother taught her to be articulate). She sits on the board of Domcon and is in charge of the socials.
She commands an audience with a larger-than-life personality, and she’s quick to smile. She’s the type of person who people use as their source of energy and support. So I had to know what makes Mistress Mia cry or become upset; and who is her rock.
Since Mistress Mia has always been a big girl, she used to cover it up with laughter, because laughter has smiles. And if you’re smiling, it means you’re not angry. She readily admits to being people’s rocks.
As for what makes her sad. Well, she cites an old TikTok trend about “things they didn’t teach you when you were growing up.” She says people lied about some stuff. Like, your record doesn’t follow you forever, and you certainly don’t need to know different kinds of math.
And here is where Mistress Mia paused.
The next part she told me was subdued and quiet. She said, “No one told me how sad life can be and how lonely.”
When her parents passed, she became extremely depressed. Her mother died first, and she was able to pull through with BDSM. But her dad passed from COVID during the height of the outbreak.
And she curled up where her dad died and stayed there for a week.
Mistress Mia is quick to add that it made her sad, but it did not break her.
We all have rough times, and I believe Mistress Mia will inspire you:
“The world is horrible, and people suck most of the time. But you only get the ride the rock once. Look forward to the good times when it don’t suck… and remember that shit. Be okay being okay. You don’t have to have greatness. Just be okay taking care of you.”
Mistress Mia is also an advocate of mental health. She urges people to utilize their insurance benefits and seek help. “Please, even if you have an inkling of feeling like you need it, take it. It’s already paid for, and you’re not being a burden.”
That’s what she initially thought. She’s not special. Everyone has parents who die, and from COVID. She didn’t want to add to the system.
But that’s what they’re there for. We need to take care of ourselves.
Her husband of 15 years is Mistress Mia’s rock. “He’s the most over-the-top cheerleader that you could ask out of a significant other… and that says a lot from people who are poly.”
They live in Oklahoma despite it being a red state. But it’s cheaper to live there, and there’s hardly any crime. Her neighbors know what she does, as do the local authorities. “They think it’s kinda kooky that they have their own hometown, personal dominatrix.”
As for any mistakes she’s made and what she’s learned from them, Mistress Mia says that she wished she would have saved better when she was younger. She didn’t really think about life at that point; she bought things she didn’t need.
Which brings us to what she likes most about being a domme–teaching. With degrees in criminal justice and business administration, Mistress Mia is now giving back to the kink community by teaching classes on the importance of setting up for retirement. She gets a wonderful feeling from teaching and knowing that what she’s done hasn’t been in vain.
She reflected on how long she’s been in the business and how things have changed. There are more dommes from different cultures today, and it’s more accepted, even though it’s still taboo. It’s more like acceptance from afar.
The way of marketing and approaching a session has changed, too. “In a time and age when anyone is a recording studio out of their pocket, everybody is news, social media.” Even though Mistress Mia utilizes smedia, she also incorporates the tried and true. She still shakes hands, starts conversations and hands out business cards.
The personal contact, the willingness to educate vanilla people, the approachability, while a highlight of Mistress Mia, is actually what I found in Mistress Cyan and Goddess Phoenix.
You can find and talk to a professional domme, even if you’re shy. They’ll work with you. It may not be a perfect fit, but you can talk to others. And I’m sure that the three I interviewed would be happy to recommend someone who would be a better fit.
Right after our chat, I sent Mistress Mia a link to my character quiz. She immediately took it and reported that she matched with Mistress Anna from “I Blame Quentin Tarantino.”
This review pares down the over-two-hour conversation in which Mistress Mia and I covered topics from serious to humorous. I hope you learned something, smiled and even chuckled. More importantly, though, I hope you felt a smidge of her vivacity.
Mistress Mia ~ I so enjoyed talking with you, and I look forward to your feedback on the book!
Play Party
This dungeon scene had chairs along the periphery, so it was more comfortable to take in the action. I sat with Diana and Gary from Dungeon in a Bag and servicepet. It’s also where I met Downlow. And Christopher from Vark & Co sat at my feet.
The lighting was low, and there was only one set of dance lights. There were St. Andrew’s Crosses, spanking tables, suspension devices, and a stage.
Photographs were strictly forbidden–in fact, people were asked to leave once they took out phones. It didn’t matter that they were merely swapping digits. So the protection of people’s privacy was strictly enforced.
There was a lot more diversity with implements here. I even saw floggers with lights, which provided a cool light show for spectators. Christopher sells them in his store, if you’re interested.
The most impressive act I had the pleasure of observing was Mistress Cyan in actual action. I say “actual” because her demonstration in the class was just that; a demonstration.
She was on the stage, and her sub was on a St. Andrew’s Cross. When she moved into the dual-flogging phase, I was absolutely mesmerized… and I’m not sure I can do it justice.
But I’ll try.
It was like art. There were vertical lines of Mistress Cyan’s height paralled with the cross. There were horizontal lines with her arms and the strands of the flogger, which created movement between the “pillars”. And the intensity of her focus on striking the target was palpable.
Then there is the rhythm. Mistress Cyan is like the conductor of a great orchestra, making each note harmonize with the next. The fluidity of the measures made the music pulse through the audience.
It wasn’t simply a two-handed blast. Mistress Cyan constantly changed the pace, the target and her strikes. She used underhanded strikes in addition to the traditional overhanded or side-armed ones.
I have no idea how long I watched because time ceased to exist. In a word, it was exquisite.
A Cute/Hot Story
There was a stage in the vendors’ area. At one point, Master Joshua demonstrated a toy and rope work, and used Christopher as his subject.
Christopher feigned embarrassment and shyness as he willingly skipped to the center of the room. There, he knelt with his hands behind his back, and immediately went into the scene, ignoring everyone save Master Joshua.
As Master Joshua moved, so did Christopher’s eyes. He never dropped eye contact… bending his head backwards at times to secure it.
The encounter began simply with various hits at a medium level. The sound was more powerful because Christopher was fully clothed. As it continued, however, the connection between the two grew.
Without saying a word, Christopher made it known he was a hungry sub piggy and begged for more. He even snagged an extra nibble or lick as Master Joshua tied him in designer knots.
It was a delightful display of lusty fun, and a beautiful demonstration of sensual rope play.
When it was over, the audience clapped and cheered… and Christopher came back to reality with a sheepish grin and a red face.
If you missed my review from the GWNN Bash and are wondering, who the fuck is Christopher?… here’s a link to the interview I had with him.
In Conclusion
I learned from GWNN Bash that the kink community is actually a community and a family of friends. Domcon affirms that belief.
From the opening ceremony of praising individuals and remembering those who had passed to the educational classes and speaking with so many people, those responsible for Domcon live up to this ideal.
As with any new endeavor, there is always a fear of the unknown. So much experience. So much personality. So much domination. It’s easy to be overwhelmed.
But when one, small introduction yields a smile, the realization sets in that these are, after all, people. Despite their backgrounds, their kink and/or orientation, they’re people. Most of them far more down to earth than expected.
I tell you this so you won’t be afraid to go to a kink convention. And, if you do attend, don’t stand and observe silently. Talk to people. Make friends. You’ll have fun, you’ll learn something, and you’ll wonder why you were afraid to begin with.
That said, I don’t want you underestimate the power of these dominants. With the interviews, I sought to present their human side. But they are a force. And with that force, comes professionalism. They know what they’re doing, and, I have no doubt, you’d have the time of your life.
Domcon was a blast. A huge shoutout to everyone I met. I am most grateful for the experience… more so for the acceptance.
Until May!
Do you have a kinky question you’d like answered? Use the contact form to submit your question. All questions will be kept anonymous unless you’d prefer to be named.
Thanks for the great questions and comments!
For other kinky advice, check my blog archives.
Happy reading,
~B.J.
