How is it December Already?
Newsletter subscribers got a bonus coupon on Black Friday. Don’t miss out on future bonuses; sign up for my newsletter now!
I switched my Wish List to Wishtender. In a world filled with subscriptions, I’ll remind you that my site is free. DomCon reviews, sex advice, kinky news,
quizzes, BDSM checklists, Online Book Club, other authors’ books… all free. ‘Nuff said.
Hump Dump
The NSFW smedia site bdsmlr was built on shaky infrastructure. Admins would rather spend time trying to get paid for the unstable platform than fix the problems. One of the ongoing issues I’ve had was not having access to all of my posts in the drafts folder. After being ignored for months–or is it over a year–I recently had an idea… which led to the recent “Hump Dump” last week.
I could only access my posts through a “magical process” which entailed not adding to my drafts folder until I could dump all of my Hump Day posts. Happy to say my theory worked, and I no longer have posts that are inaccessible; although my drafts folders is severely depleted. I was going to apologize for the spewing but I got many DM compliments. So, you’re welcome! :p
New Avi for Real
Thank you again to sizeerrorprojection for gifting me the stunning purple paddle in the avi. And a shoutout to Danny from Leather by Danny, who made it. Meet Danny in my interview later on.
I had a bitch of a time trying to photograph the paddle, and I tried to get one from Danny’s website but he told me the ones for sale at the conventions are one of a kind… which made me smile.
After several thousand pictures, toymax was able to tweak one for the final product. Thank you, toymax!
Bonus Tidbit from rubbug
Rubbug came across this updated REO Speedwagon song, “Keep on Loving You”, by Cigarettes After Sex, thinking it would be a great song for the relationship between Sayo Li and Dr. Francesca Doram from the “Perchance to Dream” series.
This version is hauntingly appropriate and puts a new spin on the classic. Thanks, rubbug!
What do you think?
Bot Talk with toymax
Speaking of toymax, he decided to copy my bot conversation experiment after receiving so many bot DMs in Twitshitland. As we approach the holiday season, it’s perfect timing to remind people that dominants will not seek you out. Sorry to burst the bubble, but if someone is asking you to be her bitch-boy, it’s most likely a scam.
I know submissives just wanna submit but I urge you to hang onto your intelligence always, and especially around the holiday time.
This is Max’s conversation with a bot:
bot: ??
Max: Hello, Ma‘am.
bot: How are you doing
bot: Are you a submissive sissy
Max: Yes, Ma’am. I’m submissive.
bot: Thank you my lovely slave
bot: What are your fetish and limit
Max: Well – almost everything with almost no limits.
bot: Very good my lovely slave
bot: Where you from
bot: Age
bot: What do you do for work
Max: Am train 58 asia.
bot: Have you ever been used by a miss or goddess before
Max: Yes never train humbled crawling.
bot: Are you willing to be used and trained by miss
Max: Yes never train humbled crawling.
bot: Can you afford miss tribute fee
Max: China’s been on the dark side of the moon.
bot: What you mean
Max: No one knows what happened there with the fees for Miss.
bot: Slave will be owned by miss after his tribute
bot: Are you ready to be owned
Max: Can – yes – monkey afford Miss owned.
bot: Are you willing to pay your tribute yes or no
Max: Nes
bot: What your payment method
Max: Digging gold on moon pay.
bot: I don’t get
bot: What you mean
Max: Oops.
bot: You not ready
Max: Ready like the moon and the sun.
Max: Please your name?
bot: What your payment method
bot: Am miss XXX told you
Max purposefully wrote gibberish, which was nearly undetected by the bot. In fact, the bot spoke some gibberish, too. Max also tried to make it humorous for us… but the serious side is that the bot’s main focus was to get paid. At his expense.
Please be aware and safe this holiday season.
Eli Receives A Perfect 25!
Sally Bend finished the “Eli” series and wrote her review after taking a few days to process. Jessie and I are ecstatically happy with a perfect twenty-five rating for the entire series! In fact, Jessie admits to getting a tear when he read the latest review.
Sally has reviewed over 2,500 books, and she knows how to write without spoiling the plot. After each of her reviews, I talked to her to get the “spoiler” version. Newsletter subscribers got bonus behind-the-scenes commentary, and I was going to do it again for Book 5, the finale, but I couldn’t.
There wasn’t anything we talked about that can be said without giving things away… except that it was a pleasure to discuss the series, and talk about the characters like they were real people. Sally pointed out some symbolism that Jessie and I hadn’t even considered, and she’s on point.
For everyone I’ve talked with who has read the series, it’s kinda amazing how much love you have for Eli. The feeling is mixed when it comes to the other lead, Bernie, but the opinions contain the same level of emotion.
Start the series today, then share your feedback.
For those of you who haven’t seen it yet, Sally’s review can be found here.
Special Plug: I had the honor of reading Sally Bend’s newest holiday short “Holiday Shopping”, which is included in the December issue of Forced Fem Quarterly. *Hot*!
Trilogy Update
Book One of “This is Knot DomCon” is in my editor’s hands. It should be out this month!
Here’s a preview of the cover. Tell me what you think!
For the over-achievers who wish to familiarize themselves with the characters in the trilogy, the books included are (in alphabetical order):
14-Day Lockdown with Goddess Serena
A Domme for Christmas
Best Served Cold
Eli (five-book series)
He Wanted It
Her Wish. His Command.
I Blame Quentin Tarantino
It Wasn’t What I Wanted
Mistress Managed (three-book series)
The Perchance to Dream series, including Lorenzo’s Story 1 and 2 (nine-book series)
The Service Sub
Birthday Presents
Not mine–remember, you celebrated mine in July 🙂 These were for rubbug, who had a birthday last month. I put up posts in bdsmlr and tumblr, 
inviting people to help him celebrate by marking the posts with notes, likes and reblogs. For each mark, rubbug needed to spank himself.
I left the birthday posts open for a weekend. Between the two smedia sites, rubbug earned 87 spankings! Well done, everyone… especially some sneaky types, who gave bonus wishes, like toymax and sizeerrorprojection. :p
Rubbug was kind enough to share his experience in writing with us:
I finished a bit ago, and I ended up doing all 87, and I think a bit more.
It felt incredible! Never did it before, so it was definitely new and exciting. I was scared at first but, after the first 10, that sting felt great, and I was leaking and straining against my cage so hard. I did 20 on each butt cheek and then saved 2 for my dick and one for balls when I took the cage off.
It hurt differently between my ass, balls and dick. I felt like it wasn’t enough and kinda just whaled on myself and lost count but kept going faster and harder. I didn’t think I’d like it. Thank you very much, Mistress BJ ☺
You’re quite welcome, rubbug. Many happy returns *grin*
Online Book Club
We’re skipping the holiday season entirely and regrouping next year, on Saturday, January 20, 2024 at 4:00 p.m., Eastern. You have chosen “A Domme for Christmas” as the next book!
DM me to be included in the next Book Club:
bdsmlr ~ Not Safe for Work
Tumblr ~ Questionably Safe for Work
Twitter ~ Safe for Work
TwitterNSFW ~ Not Safe for Work
FetLife ~ Safe for Work
Right Here ~ Safe for Work
Corporate Rant
I bought something online during the big sale week but I forgot to jump through Rakuten, which would give me 15% cash back. When I tried to cancel the order, I couldn’t. I bought another one, jumping properly, and called first thing in the morning.
However, I was told there was no way to cancel the order because it was already being processed. I told her I already checked, and it shows it’s at the warehouse, so just call them and cancel it. Nope. Why? Because they have no way to notify the warehouse. ?!
Do not worry, she tells me, because, when I get it, I can use their return process, ask for a return label, and return it without issue. I point out the idiocy of the company paying for shipping twice on an order that hasn’t even been shipped yet. She agreed with me but said that’s the way it was. When I complained that I’d have to run an errand and go through the process of asking for a return label in addition to the phone call, she said she could help me.
What’d she do? She issued and emailed me the return label for a product that hadn’t even been shipped yet! Not only that, it didn’t even have a tracking number! Makes no sense… in fact, it’s a poor use of corporate resources and makes me shake my head.
Tell me about your ridiculous holiday experiences!
Multiperv ~ [I forgot to include this last time] I think I only got the last newsletter once so I think you’re right, it wasn’t everyone who got two copies. [Phew!]
A bit disappointed I’ve only read 3 of the 11 books that contributed to ‘The Trilogy”. I guess I have reading to do over the holidays. [You’re welcome!]
Yeah, I definitely could not push my own toe back into position. (shudder) Kudos to Claire! [Indeed; and she’s doing much better now]
Liz River lost her virginity in a cemetery?! Wow, now that is a kinky deflowering!! Talk about jumping in the semi-deep end. Beats the standard teenagers in the back seat of a car, I guess. At least, potentially more comfortable, plus she gave the ‘residents’ a show to break up the eternal monotony. [ha!]
Wow, a handed down family kink toy business [The Kink Shop]! That’s one I didn’t see coming. I am also surprised he became kinky so recently. [Yes, there’s always time to get kinky! :)]
I hope SEP realizes it was not HIM being a pain in the ass, it was a result of forces beyond his control. I am impressed that he wasn’t that nervous or worried about meeting you or the event, though, especially as a first timer. SEP is a good writer. His feelings and admiration of you come through. [It was the situation but hearing you reaffirm it is a good thing]
rubbug ~ MP’s interview was cool. He’s had an interesting life and he’s got good advice. [He was afraid no one would comment, so thank you]
Porsche Lynn’s interview was cool, too. I don’t recognize her or her name, but I admire how she has done very well despite her tough background. Her message had me tear up a bit. [I concur!]
Thomas Antonson ~ Read your newsletter account of our recording sessions. Now wearing a stupid grin. Bouncing up and down? ROFLMAO! because you were totally doing that! [Thanks for confirming I tell it like it is]
toymax ~ The entire blog posting – so long, so detailed, very well done. Thank You for the effort You put in – every single time! [You’re very welcome!]
To MM audiobook(s): I literally devoured the book series and the audiobook series will be a perfect addition. I’m looking forward to the listening experience. [Yay! I travel next week to record some more!]
Your interviews are again a highlight. The interview with Porsche Lynn is fascinating and shocking at the same time. It’s amazing how all the celebrities trust You, tell You their story and even allow You to publish it. I’m excited to read Kendra James’ interview. [Yes, I feel lucky. Kendra’s interview is here, just a few more sections down!]
PrufrockUnbound ~ Just dropping by to say hello, and congrats on your recent award / recognition! My incoming feed is more or less broken – I get maybe 3-5 postings per day, so have to make a point of visiting my favorite sites directly. Anyhow – hope you have wonderful kinky holidays! [Thanks for the note, and I hope yours is a kinky one, too!]
sizeerrorprojection ~ Loved your Porsche Lynn interview. You two could’ve met! Well…. you did, eventually. [And you live to verify that! :)]
Multiperv ~ Congrats on getting audiobook one of MM recorded and for learning some lessons on the way. And while you don’t enjoy being wrong, subs don’t always like being right, especially when it irritates you, it just sometimes works out that way. We have to console ourselves that we’re trying to help. : ) [I’ll keep that in mind]
Congrats as well on yet another 5 star review for a book in the Eli series. [Thank you… I should keep this in for next time, eh? *grin*]
Of course, a huge thanks for doing an interview with me and then sorting it into a proper chronology and distilling it down into something readable and hopefully informative or useful. [It was fun getting to know you more, and I’m happy you approve]
I had no idea Porsche Lynn was born in Michigan and went to MSU! Am I forgetting you mentioning that earlier or did you deliberately save it for the newsletter? [You’re forgetting :p]
Good lord, what a terrible start for poor Porsche! And with the ‘upside’ being her being put in a Catholic orphans school where she was ‘only abused a little bit’. Between her and Goddess Phoenix… it’s something of a miracle they haven’t lost it and really hurt someone or one of their subs. [Good point, but they actually help their subs]
Tell me what you think of this post, and you’ll see your comment in the next one!
BDSM Checklists
Check out my FREE BDSM Checklists.
I created two BDSM Checklists to assist with communication and negotiation. One is grouped by fetishes and the other is an alphabetical listing, and both have spaces for you to fill in additional ones.
Make sure you check out the Checklists! Then, let me know what you think and how you used them.
And feel free to buy me a drink!
DomCon NOLA 2023 ~ The Fourth Review
If you missed the last review, here’s your link. If you missed the second review, here’s your link. If you missed the first review, here’s that link.
Classes
Legal First Aid – with Aaron ~ by Multiperv
I recommend everyone take this class even if you read my synopsis.
Aaron is an attorney. He stressed that the class was for information and education only, and was not legal advice, especially as some things vary by state or country.
Aaron mentioned developing your own personal Physical Risk Profile (what you are willing to do or submit to during play and/or sex) and Psychological Risk Profile (what rules or commands or mindplay or Mental Emotional Sadomasochism [MESM] play you are willing to give or receive). In addition, he said kinksters should probably also come up with their own Legal Risk Profile.
Aaron himself supports RACK (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). It acknowledges that some kink activities involve physical and/or mental risks. Everyone should be aware of those risks and decide what’s acceptable.
When it comes to the law, structure or adjust your activities so that you:
1. Avoid attracting the attention of law enforcement
2. Avoid injury during interaction with law enforcement
3. Avoid arrest
4. Avoid conviction
1. Avoid Attention. Law enforcement normally has bigger things to worry about than kinky sex. So, don’t do things that would draw their attention when they would generally pass you by.
For example, don’t block neighbors’ cars or driveways when you have people over. Keep the volume down to avoid noise complaints. Consider a ‘vanilla until you’re inside’ dress code.
Also, you may be quite excited to show off your bruises but think about your environment. Sharing during an aftercare session at IHOP will likely look like domestic violence and result in a preventable conversation with the police.
On a similar note, don’t have your toys exposed in your vehicle. Keep them concealed in a toy bag, and preferably in the trunk–and locked.
2. Avoid harm. Police get hurt during traffic stops and domestic violence calls. And non-kinksters view BDSM activities as domestic violence. Aaron advises to be ‘silent and serene’ or more specifically:
1. Don’t have anything that could be perceived as a weapon in your hands.
2. Stay calm.
3. Don’t argue.
Also, be sure to ask permission before reaching for anything. Make the encounter as calm and non-antagonistic as possible, even if you disagree.
For traffic stops, Aaron advises:
– Hand over your ID and/or registration – don’t argue.
– Provide simple information. “I’m going to a friend’s house”, not “I’m going to help tie my buddy’s girlfriend up so we can have fun with her”.
– Use “Yes, Sir/Ma’am”, “No, Sir/Ma’am”.
– Assume the cop is a pissed off top.
– Do not lie. Any discovered lie will multiply your problems and prolong the interaction.
Remember: You can always talk your way into an arrest, so say as little as possible without looking like you are not answering questions. There are many illegal activities on the books, and you may not realize you’re confessing to something.
If you invoke your right to remain silent, they’re more likely to search your home or car. If that happens, do not give them consent but GET OUT OF THE WAY. It gives your lawyer the ability to claim an illegal search.
Think about who you are and how you read to the police. Unfortunately, race, gender, style or condition of clothing, etc. matter. A white adult male will almost always have an easier time.
How do you find a kink-friendly lawyer? Check the Kink Aware Professionals database on the NCSF website.
3. Avoid Injury. If you end up at a hospital due to an injury, it is worse to lie than to admit what happened. Also, think how your boasting post in smedia might look if someone vanilla saw it.
4. Avoid Conviction. Once you are under arrest, be (respectfully) quiet, invoke your right to remain silent, and lawyer up. Explicitly SAY you are invoking your right to remain silent.
Some other quick tips:
– Try to change into vanilla clothes before leaving a party or play.
– Do appropriate aftercare before you leave the scene and, ideally, clean up. Consider how you might look to vanillas.
– If you’re hosting a house party, make sure nothing is visible when standing at the open front door.
– Don’t play where kids are present, even newborns. It can lead to or aggravate custody issues, even if the kids were asleep upstairs.
You can find Aaron on FL as Reginod.
Thanks for that detailed synopsis, Multiperv!
Mating in Captivity / Primal Dynamics and Play for All with Ember Solaris ~ by sizeerrorprojection
I had no idea what Primal Play was, and I know this write-up isn’t going to do it justice, as I still don’t have a complete idea, but here goes.
I decided to attend after experiencing how a bondage session broke me down into a growling, struggling, needing escape creature. I was, and still am, very curious and excited about this reaction to bondage.
During play that drove me to feel primal, I remember feeling strong when engaged. But then, gentle words from my captor drove me deeper into submissiveness. I felt like I had been hunted, captured, and now was being forced into domestication. Something deep inside me was revolting. So the question of “what is primal prey” lured me to this class.
Ember presented a well-organized but fast-paced class that I had a hard time following. I could tell others were catching on because they had experience.
Ember described how they had always been into kink, and how one day, when vanilla partner at the time, Solen, grabbed them and growled, they 
stopped and explored where that was coming from. The two of them never looked back and have lived a 24/7 primal relationship since.
Ember identifies as a vampire in her primal persona and mostly as a dominant. Solen is dominant as well. Ember’s vampire persona is very “bitey”, and rapidly so. Solen, seated in the audience, would add that, when they began exploring the primal aspects of their relationship, they used physical cues, such as dropping a flag, to indicate “It was ON”. Either party could decide. And their intense physicality would ensue.
I learned that Primal Play is one of the fastest growing types of kink, and it encompasses many types of dynamics. Regretfully, I only recall one. Ember and Solen engage in play in the wild. A play space is set up in the wild, and boundaries are clearly marked. Preparedness is key. First aid kits are present, and epi pens were discussed.
I did not get a feel for the actual play but the intensity of the class increased as Ember described the space. Master Jim was in the class and added that sometimes it took a few intense interactions in the space where he didn’t feel he came out on top for him to reach deep, and truly free his primal self. The striving for physical dominance was apparent.
It reminded me of a pack of wolves, each finding their place in the pack. I can only imagine how protected this space must be by the participants. I wonder how someone new would experience this for the first time. Fight or flight? Primal space seems to be all about this dynamic. I am intrigued, and want to learn more.
Thanks, sep! Hopefully, there will be another class in L.A. so you can continue the learning and report again.
Protocols, Positions, and Posture Training with Mistress Melissa ~ by Multiperv
BJ, SEP, and I got to see Mistress Melissa perform a great scene on stage at the Friday play party. She had her male submissive up against a St. Andrew’s cross (they look like a capital X) in various positions, and she alternated sensual and impactful stimulation, including some Florentine style flogging–a practice where the top holds two usually identical floggers at the same time and alternates or uses them in unison for a skilled artistic look.
During the class, that same sub was there in his collar and some fetish wear, and she was in dominant fetish wear, including a shiny latex-type biker cap. Her sub remained behind and to her left for most of the class.
Mistress Melissa started with a discussion of protocol, noting that she believes it is only effective when it is consistent. She also indicated that it is a two-way street; meaning, the Dominant has to learn and remember as well. She said that protocol and submission take a lot of work and energy, and the gift of submission should be cherished.
Dominants have the right to be picky about how they want and expect things to be done. Mistress Melissa added that it should be done with humility, and that dominants should not take themselves TOO seriously.
Sometimes protocols need to be amended or adjusted to meet people where they are, especially if they have physical or emotional issues that may impact their ability to comply.
The Mistress also made distinctions between a professional environment versus a lifestyle one. Regarding professional ones, she said they should not be enforced until the session starts. Until then, the domme is essentially a receptionist setting up the appointment. She also reminded us bottoms aren’t necessarily submissives.
In regards to lifestyle protocols, Mistress Melissa said hers were derived from the Gorean series of books by John Norman blended with the leather tradition. The positions she uses are from leather, play, and being utilitarian for her needs.
Using her sub, Mistress Melissa demonstrated eight different kneeling positions. She went through them slowly at first to discuss the purpose and advantages of each before rapidly demonstrating how well-versed and her sub is. As she called out a number, he would assume it. They’d had a long night, so she had mercy and called them out in order, but I’m sure he could move between them as needed if she desired it. I was impressed how the positions flowed from one to the next to minimize movement.
I won’t describe all of the positions but kneeling position 8, known as the punishment position, has the sub’s feet and palms flat on the floor and his body facing the ceiling – off the ground. It looked impressive and strenuous enough as it was but then Mistress Melissa sat on the sub’s stomach, and he didn’t falter. Bravo! Fortunately, 3 or Table, is where the sub is on all fours looking down, and I bet that is a much more comfortable way to be a seat or footstool.
Mistress Melissa finished by talking about some particular points, such as making sure the handle of the coffee cup is toward the dom(me) when presenting it to them while the sub’s other hand steadies the cup.
She also feels that “anticipatory service is sexy as fuck!” so, service subs, take note of a potentially non-sexual way to dazzle a dom(me).
Mistress Melissa also made the point that unless the sub’s fetish is being ignored, you should not ignore them. Try to mentally put yourself in their place occasionally.
She said the class was a small portion of what is normally a four-hour workshop. After seeing this excerpt, I would love to see the whole thing.
I was impressed by the formal, yet obvious, connection and affection between Mistress Melissa and her sub, which was honed from years of the dominant/submissive relationship.
Thanks, Multiperv! After watching her in the play party (and meeting her during my interview with Porsche Lynn), I’m not surprised Mistress Melissa’s class was stellar.
Turning Your Passion Into Profit with Kendra James
This class was geared for adult content creators, so I’m not going to get too detailed with the synopsis.
Kendra James wore purple leopard print leggings and clung to notes, admitting that she was very nervous with public speaking. The room was filled with content creators scribbling notes and/or taking screenshots of the presentation.
Within a few minutes, Kendra relaxed with the warm welcome of the audience, and the nerves were forgotten. Her lecture was well-planned and contained several great marketing tips. One of which was if you’re going to film an hour session, break up the recording into many clips.
Kendra lamented she had two Twitshitland accounts deleted without warning recently. They cited her nude avatar as the reason, even though it’s a picture of her face. After several appeal attempts, they reinstated her original account; the one from ‘09 not the one from ‘22. Thinking it would be devoid of followers with no DMs, the complete opposite was true. Her account was *completely* reestablished, with all of the followers/following and every DM. It was kind of scary to realize how much they actually store.
This class was sponsored by Clips4Sale, and Liz River was on hand to facilitate. Kendra spoke highly of the site, stating they’ve always paid their content generators… something she can’t say about other sites.
Overall, Kendra James was an articulate and effective communicator, and I was impressed with how freely she divulged inside secrets and what worked best for her.
Interview ~ Danny with Leather by Danny
“You’re the worst interviewer ever… you only asked me two questions,” Danny told me with a twinkle in his eye. He had skirted into my booth and sidled up next to me to whisper it, then gave me a huge grin when I swatted his arm.
Danny’s a bit of a brat, but he’s a completely adorable sweetheart.
A self-diagnosed neurodivergent with ADD and debilitating shyness, Danny comes alive in his vendor booth. A booth which, by the way, was hopping from open to close. That is the reason our interview had to come in pieces. And yes, it only began with two questions. 😀 …and I had to complete it long after DomCon.
Another Michigander, Danny grew up pretty close to me and says he’s GREEN by default–I probably threatened to do bodily harm if he didn’t declare his MSU support.
Danny discovered his kink as a pre-teen and has always been into bondage. He had a fishnet hammock, which kept flipping him. While he never got stuck, it took longer to disentangle. In high school, he tickled his girlfriend until she found rope and tied him up.
His start with leather actually came from LARPing (Live Action Roleplay) because he couldn’t afford costumes, so he made his own. People liked it so much, they asked for him to make them. His first start with selling was out of a bag at parties.
But that was just for fun. Danny was in college and was just shy of a degree. The change of career happened serendipitously. When his dad moved, Danny received a bunch of leather and tools. Within three weeks of that, he got a bunch of grey scrap leather at a garage sale, and visited a construction dumpster his friends had told him about. When he went there, he noticed a cobbler had gone out of business. There were sewing machines for leather and shoe polish that had been tossed.
Danny was able to make two of the three sewing machines come back to life. Shortly thereafter, he got an altered table to work with the machines. His first creations were “bondage mittens” that were made while he hand-cranked. <– There’s no way *not* to make that sound dirty, and Danny and I laughed about it. (The mittens have no thumbs, so it’s difficult to escape)
His first show was the Fetish Fair Flea Market in Boston in the late ‘80s. Back then, they had half a ballroom at a Holiday Inn where 15-20 people sold old toys, and maybe 100 people came. It’s grown to 3,000 people with 150 booths. Danny was the vendor coordinator for 15 years.
He was nervous at the first show because he was a closeted kinkster. But he became a communication artist in his booth, especially after creating “Grip Cuffs” in 1990. They’re leather and velcro cuffs that are lined, and designed to stay in place. Check out Danny’s demonstration on his website.
Danny’s first lifestyle vending event was TES 25, and he shared the story of how everything went wrong. His car died two weeks before the event, and he was late with rent. He had to rent a car and drive 2-3 hours to NYC; however, there was a snowstorm due. Picking up the car early so he could leave at 5a, Danny learned the headlights didn’t work. He had to wait for the place to open at 10a, where they could only trade him for a subcompact, which wouldn’t work. They offered to upgrade him to a van at no extra cost.
When Danny arrived, however, he had to wait in line for 45 min and overheard a worker about to rent his van to someone else. Secure in his van, he had to return home to pack, putting him directly in the storm. The 3-hour drive turned into 10, *and* he hit something because visibility was nil, and he blew out two tires. He got a tow truck to move his car 100 feet off the turnpike, but the guy wanted $50 cash. Danny paid in ones and fives, which was his vending money for change.
Danny found a gas station about to close that helped him change the tires at the cost of $300. He arrived at midnight, 13 hours after the vendor set-up, and he lost the day of vending. In the early days, Danny’s sign was on the inside of the lid of a Rubbermaid tote, balanced on the tote itself.
Danny was meant to be at that convention, though, because, despite everything, he *sold out* of his entire stock!
He didn’t tell his parents until he was making a living. Their reactions were the opposite of what he expected: his dad was more understanding but his mom was disappointed that he had to make money that way. She later apologized, and now they’re both accepting.
Danny’s claim to fame is an UNcredited appearance in Berlin’s “Animal” video. It was shot at Paddles in NYC, and the lead singer is dressed as a domme. The video has many image switching frames, and his Grip Cuffs are in several of them. He knows they’re his from identification during a close-up.
His bondage belts make another UNcredited appearance in an episode of Netflix’s How to Build a Sex Room.
He’s chill about not being credited and confesses that his fetish is walking around a dungeon and watching people playing. Danny likes to say to himself, “I made that.”
Danny’s tongue-in-cheek regret is that his business isn’t called “Latex by Danny” because leather holds up or his fixes it. He’s had customers show up with cuffs that are 20+ years old. Seriously, though, Danny’s reputation is well-known. Even if people don’t replace their toys often, they tell up-and-comers to shop at Leather by Danny.
A pro tip on how to clean your leather toys? Danny says use Lexol Leather Conditioner, which is for car interiors. You can get it at most automotive shops, but it won’t sterilize. Danny says if you insist on sterilizing, use a hospital aerosol spray. It’s alcohol, though, and will dry out the leather, so Danny advises to immediately apply conditioner right after.
Danny’s advice to first-timers? Check out FetLife because it has more real people. Going to professional conventions can be deflating if you compare yourselves to the pros. Instead, Danny says to go to a munch. There’s a lot to see and do at pro events with tons of fun, but remember not to compare.
Despite his impact toy empire, Danny is a self-proclaimed wimp and prefers sensual play like tease and denial. He likes to be forced into more violent scenes but only for brief periods.
If you catch Danny on the rare occasion with an empty booth, he is quiet and shy. But when a customer has a question, he transforms into a gregarious and well-informed entrepreneur. He is sly and funny and well-versed in the BDSM community. Should you find yourself at a kink convention, make sure you go to Danny’s booth.
To Danny ~ I hope I have erased my title of “worst interviewer”… and if not, I’ll just have to paddle it out of you in L.A.! Seriously, though, I’m glad our booths were so close that we were able to get to know each other. 🙂
Crossdressing Competition
My booth was located right across from the stage, and there were several demonstrations and competitions. The volunteers kept vendors happy with snacks throughout the weekend. And sep had commented, “I keep eating popcorn and watching BDSM demonstrations.”
Mistress Mia hosted the crossdressing competition with her usual flare and vivacious personality. As a member of the DomCon board, Mistress Mia goes above and beyond wherever needed. This competition was no exception. The contestants required volunteers for the “talent” portion. The first one was for spanking, and no volunteers could be found. Mistress Mia sacrificed herself.
The ensuing spanking “talent” was nonstop hilarity as the contestant hammed it up… but Mistress Mia’s reactions upstaged her.
To make things fair, Mistress Mia again sacrificed herself for the next contestant’s “talent” of lap dancing.
Play Party
After walking three-quarters of the room, Multiperv, sep and I found seats right next to a St. Andrew’s Cross, where Master Jim was nearing the end of a session with Miss Wet. Our seats provided us a clear view.
Miss Wet was facing the cross, and Master Jim was behind her. When he was engaged in impact play, his eyes changed. In place of the quiet and kind person who I had interviewed and spoken with was a ferocious intensity.
It wasn’t blind or raging out of control. No, Master Jim was always in control. And he was always focused on his sub. In fact, his aftercare session indicated he was a true dom in every sense of the word.
When I later spoke to him about his change, he was nonchalant. He’d never seen himself in the moment, and I told him to film it sometime. With a smile and a quiet tone, he told me that Miss Wet was a difficult one, and he had to really work to ensure her scene was fulfilling.
Miss Wet assured me that she loved every minute of it.
As Multiperv already mentioned, we got to experience an awesome scene with Mistress Melissa and her sub, which took place on the center stage. Even with so much activity in the playroom, our attentions were constantly diverted to the stage, where Mistress Melissa executed an exquisite session with incredible finesse and skill.
Mistress Cyan performed a scene using the same knife from her class. Following her own rules, she always kept it behind her or over her head when not in use. The connection she has with her subs is strong, and it makes watching her scenes much more enlightening.
The play parties are always entertaining. They’re also safe. We witnessed a dungeon monitor stop a scene that threatened to stain the carpet with raspberries. Before that, we weren’t sure there were monitors there.
For the newbs, it’s best to walk in silently and stick to the perimeter. If you’re lucky to find a seat, absorb what you can. Remember not to interrupt scenes in progress but most people will answer questions at the end. Also, it’s a good reminder that, once you start to play, to do so on an incremental basis. As Mistress Cyan said, if you start a level ten, where can you go from there?
Interview ~ Kendra James
I know you’ve been waiting for this interview, which is why it’s the last one in the review series.
When I first sat down with Kendra, I explained that I was familiar with her from people who participate in my Creative Surveys in bdsmlr… because, when choosing a mistress, many of you vote, Kendra James; always Kendra James.
She was genuinely touched.
I sheepishly told her that my Creative Survey post at the time featured her, in honor of her appearance at DomCon… however, I was afraid that it was a bad thing, after listening to her class, where much emphasis was placed on the value of clips. Then I backed up and asked her what she thought of bdsmlr.
Her response: “What is bdsmlr?”
After I explained, she smiled and nodded, adding that doing this for as many years as she has, she’s learned to accept that there are images of her that are stolen and put everywhere. I asked how I could help the situation, and she said to tag her. For femdom posts, use GoddessKendra.com. I promised her that I would.
The first thing I did when I got home was include that link in the Creative Survey post along with an explanation in the Creative Survey Results post. For all of you Kendra James fans, please incorporate this link with your reblogs. And do the same with any recognized celebrity.
While on the subject of you and your adoration for her, I asked Kendra what she had to say as a personal message. She smiled and said, “Thank you for watching for so many years.”
Kendra James is poised, friendly, seemingly well-adjusted, and *down to earth*. When asked about her childhood, Kendra said, “It was normal.” We spoke for a long while, and she shared some personal things about her family that I will not include… except one thing.
Kendra remembers something her mother told her. It was when Kendra was 14, and I asked permission to share this quote because it encompasses her childhood in a loving, intelligent and supportive environment: “Honey, I love you regardless of what you do.”
While attending college, Kendra was active in the lifestyle and went to munches. So, she was aware of her kink long before she became a performer.
In the late ‘90s, Kendra got her first dungeon start. She gained knowledge from others, who were supportive. Kendra has nothing but respect for her co-workers, who were great people and included her in the community. They taught her that professional dommes are fantasy makers. To effectuate the fantasy, the domme must get to know the person by listening and understanding boundaries and being adaptive.
Back then, the workers manned the phones, talked to clients and booked sessions. They also “kink-matched” so the individual would have the best fantasy. Sometimes, there were walk-ins. At the age of 19, when Kendra was just six months into her job at the dungeon, she accepted a client who wanted extreme CBT.
However, she didn’t fully comprehend his wishes until they were in a room. He wanted her to filet his penis open. When he showed her where, a massive amount of scar tissue was revealed. It was beyond her skill level, and she knew she was in over her head.
Professionally and calmly, she left the room and sought a co-worker. Kendra is very careful not to kink shame, and she’s grateful for the community that found at her first dungeon.
Let me emphasize that Kendra told this story in answer to my question: What mistakes did you make? Her entire focus was on *her* shortcomings and her realization that it wasn’t something she could handle.
I asked the question because I feel like mistakes provide a much more colorful picture of a person. Kendra’s answer, however, also demonstrates humility… a quality that is sometimes lacking in celebrities. [Please let me qualify that statement to mean celebrities in general and not specific to DomCon, where you’ve heard me talk repeatedly about how approachable most legends are]
What’s a scene that Kendra did that she won’t ever do again or had regrets while it was happening? It’s not one I care to go into detail about, and I hope you understand why from these bullet points:
~ Group session
~ Inflatable enema
~ Vomit
~ Urine
~ Cumulative effect
~ Overwhelming smell
It was during that scene that Kendra asked herself, “What is my life?”
As for a general type of mistake, Kendra cites financial frivolities. Looking back, she wished she would have saved and invested her money more. But she was young and the designer clothes and shoes were must-haves. Kendra laughed at herself and commented that perhaps not so many purchases were necessary.
Let’s go back to college for a moment. What would you say if I told you that Kendra James dropped out of college to join the circus?
Literally.
It’s 100% true! Kendra James met her partner of 24 years through a mutual friend… who performed at an ex-boyfriend’s birthday party. They spent the weekend together, then went to Mardi Gras in New Orleans for a week, and they moved in together after that.
He got a gig with a circus, and Kendra went with him. She was actually a sideshow performer, too! She’s a master sword swallower (not a euphemism; though I’m sure this training helped *grin*), and she used to dance on glass. And it’s the circus where Kendra James learned how to wield a six-foot bullwhip. She used to snap the cigarette from his mouth.
Their relationship is more or less equal, and Kendra balances her profession. From day one, she said, “This is what I do, and I’m not compromising.” That said, they’ve set boundaries in their relationship.
Kendra said she now has a job that she enjoys, and she adds that you “have to like what you do.” As for performing, she said she’ll stop “when it’s not fun anymore.”
What does Kendra watch on TV? She revealed she’s gotten into British TV, specifically Channel 4, where they have sex-/body-positive shows. She binged Naked Attraction a couple of years ago. Other than that, Kendra channel surfs.
How does Kendra feel about the term “sex worker”? Kendra said she has mixed feelings because there’s a lot of misinformation out there about what a professional domme is and does. She unequivocally stated that, when she’s in session, “My pants don’t come off.”
Kendra said many people, including those just entering the profession, equate Dominance and submission with being a bitch. It’s baffling to Kendra that some people consider screaming and yelling at someone to be dominance. “It’s not what dominance is.”
And I’ve come full circle, though it’d be pretty trite to simply end by saying Kendra James is *not* a bitch… because it doesn’t fully envelop what she *is*.
Kendra James is a megastar without ego. She’s aware of her mistakes, is able to laugh at herself, and is not just approachable but relatable.
Not only did I take her class and interview her, but I had a rare opportunity to observe her “in the wild”, I’ll say. By that, I mean, she was fan-slammed after her class–and probably throughout the convention. People wanted to talk to her, to share stories; essentially, to be in the warm spotlight of someone they admired.
Kendra gave her time willingly and freely. She looked at people, listened to them, engaged with them… even when they followed her to different floors. Never once did I witness her attempting to extricate herself. And she never gave off a haughty or holier-than-thou attitude.
Kendra James was gracious with everyone–myself included. She gave an interview to not just a nobody but a nobody who wasn’t familiar with her work. And she agreed to follow me to my booth to screenshot my quiz link.
I remember thanking and hugging her, and telling her that “my angle” in writing this interview was going to be that she was genuinely nice.
Why the fuck did I say it like that?!
I’d like to blame the lateness of the hour and a need for food. But I think a lot had to do with my realization of her stardom, my knowledge that so many of you adore her, and my panic that I wouldn’t be able to accurately convey just how wonderful and grounded Kendra James is.
To Kendra ~ Thank you. I’m still curious which character you matched up with *grin* Seriously, though, I feel like I can speak for everyone when I say it’s not just your mom who will love you regardless. I hope our paths cross again. 🙂
Final Remarks
After doing the makeshift presentation of my award, Mistress Mia said she needed to get “her” book. She had planned on buying “Mistress Managed” in L.A. but ran out of time. She also saw the cover for “The Service Sub” and asked about it.
After explaining the plot, she said she had to get that, too. And she said, “This is why you got that award. Thanks for making us look good and not the trash you see on TV.”
Of course, I teared up again and had to get another hug. As she walked away, she said, “Her next book is gonna be about me!” I would totally love that!
This was my third DomCon, and I think things went a lot calmer. I knew what to expect. I had fabulous people in the booth. We had tons of fun in the city. And I’m getting to know the regulars more.
After my first DomCon, I said, this is where I belong… and now I’ll amend that to, this is where I fit in.
Thanks to everyone for including me. Shoutouts to everyone I met–some of whom I hope to see in Book Club!
Thanks tons to Multiperv for his bottomless buffet of basics in a bag! When he got home, he sorted and inventoried… then woke up early one day and headed to the store to replenish it. Thanks, too, to sizeerrorprojection for starting off our days with a good breakfast.
Multiperv and sep did their homework assignments beautifully and provided more insight of classes I didn’t take. I have to share a chuckle, though. They were told to write something about what it was like to be my “booth boy”. Multiperv’s was titled “Booth Babe”, and sep’s was “Good Boy”. Nevertheless, they are my good booth babes! 🙂
I mentioned earlier that I had a difficult time photographing my new paddle/avatar. I took it with me to Arizona when I recorded, thinking I’d be able to get great sunlight.
I stayed at my mom’s, and she asked what I was photographing. When I showed her, she asked, “What’s that?”
“A paddle.”
“What do you do with it?”
“Paddle.”
“What does that mean?”
“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to.”
*grin*
It’s a difficult transition to return home after DomCon. Claire and I had a layover in Atlanta. As we strolled the airport looking for a good dinner spot, we saw this sign that read “Dom Baggage Claim”.
You know you’re a kinkster when you think the airport is sending you a private message! 🙂
The previous blog post’s Ask section was a question: Do you shave your genitals, and why? Here are some answers:
~ I have been shaving my private parts for 25 years, because I love the smooth and more intense feeling.
~ I’ve done so for a long time myself. Largely for, like you said, eliminating or avoiding a double standard. I see there is a trend these days where some women don’t shave their armpits. My view is, rather than have women shave less, let’s have men shave more (though I have yet to do my armpits, honestly). And also, going with Sean’s thinking, if we don’t want to consume hair when we provide oral why should women have to deal with that when it’s easily avoidable. And also, being into humiliation play, I also like that being shaved down there can feel a little emasculating, but in a fun way, not a soul destroying one.
~ I would echo what Sean said. I shave for my own pleasure. And it just feels neater and cleaner.
Do you have a kinky question you’d like answered? Use the contact form to submit your question. All questions will be kept anonymous unless you’d prefer to be named.
Thanks for the great questions and comments!
For other kinky advice, check my blog archives.
Happy reading,
~B.J.
